Pentecost...
So, as always, God was faithful to His promise. We waited, and the Holy Spirit did indeed come with power. I would consider myself to be of quite a charismatic persuasion, albeit from the Anglican church, but I don't think I have ever had a week with the Holy Spirit quite like this one...
The momentum was building from the beginning. A strong theme of the school has been Freedom, and this was certainly continued through Prayer Week. On Tuesday night we were challenged to face up to our fear of Man... first to admit it and then renounce it. Later on in the week we talked about obedience (i.e. doing everything that God asks you to do, and doing it when He asks you to!) and this was then tested by a challenging time of worship where God asked some of us to do some crazy things to honour Him during that time, and to break this fear of Man. Mine wasn’t such a weirdo request, but it was so hard for me.
As soon as we started, I felt God wanted me to play the djembe, an African drum, with the worship team… now I have really sucky rhythm when it comes to hitting things, and I really didn’t want to have to join in the worship team and start playing an instrument I had never touched before. So I didn’t. I just stood there trying to make excuses for myself. I actually couldn’t shrug it off, I was so sure that it was what God had asked of me in that moment. And I felt AWFUL. So hideous that I couldn’t even step out and do this one little thing. Everyone else was experiencing this incredible freedom in worship and dancing around and calling out crazy things but I was stood in the corner feeling miserable, on the verge of tears because I knew that I was being disobedient. However hard I tried, I couldn’t enter into that spirit of worshipTo make things worse, after a while someone else started playing the drum.
I saw so clearly in that moment that God will raise up someone else to fulfil His purposes if you are not obedient to His call. It’s His plan after all, and it’s a privilege that He chooses to use us not a right… if we choose to not be involved then He will still accomplish His plan, using others. The only one who misses out on blessing because of your disobedience is you!
This realisation broke me. For a moment I thought it was ridiculous to get so upset about a stupid drum, but I knew that if I couldn’t get up and do what was actually a very small thing in amongst a room of people who know me and love me, then bigger challenges that would come later would be impossible. And I didn’t want to miss out!! I didn’t want to be holding back from God, I wanted a piece of everything that He had for me in that moment. So weeping tears of regret and frustration I asked Him what I could do to make this right. Would I be able to try again? Or had I really blown it?
Almost immediately I heard it, that still, small voice in the depth of my soul… yes, of course you can try again My child, but this time you have to confess to the room first… so I went up to the microphone as soon as I could and shared. I felt so stupid, but also really humbled and encouraged. I knew that it was a first step in actually breaking the hold that other people’s opinions of me has over my life. And of course the whole room watched me as I hit that stupid drum for the first time, knowing that I was scared but watching me as I found a new freedom, and celebrating with me in the graciousness of God.
Hallelujah, grace like rain
Is falling down on me again
Hallelujah, all my stains
Are washed away, washed away
The momentum was building from the beginning. A strong theme of the school has been Freedom, and this was certainly continued through Prayer Week. On Tuesday night we were challenged to face up to our fear of Man... first to admit it and then renounce it. Later on in the week we talked about obedience (i.e. doing everything that God asks you to do, and doing it when He asks you to!) and this was then tested by a challenging time of worship where God asked some of us to do some crazy things to honour Him during that time, and to break this fear of Man. Mine wasn’t such a weirdo request, but it was so hard for me.
As soon as we started, I felt God wanted me to play the djembe, an African drum, with the worship team… now I have really sucky rhythm when it comes to hitting things, and I really didn’t want to have to join in the worship team and start playing an instrument I had never touched before. So I didn’t. I just stood there trying to make excuses for myself. I actually couldn’t shrug it off, I was so sure that it was what God had asked of me in that moment. And I felt AWFUL. So hideous that I couldn’t even step out and do this one little thing. Everyone else was experiencing this incredible freedom in worship and dancing around and calling out crazy things but I was stood in the corner feeling miserable, on the verge of tears because I knew that I was being disobedient. However hard I tried, I couldn’t enter into that spirit of worshipTo make things worse, after a while someone else started playing the drum.
I saw so clearly in that moment that God will raise up someone else to fulfil His purposes if you are not obedient to His call. It’s His plan after all, and it’s a privilege that He chooses to use us not a right… if we choose to not be involved then He will still accomplish His plan, using others. The only one who misses out on blessing because of your disobedience is you!
This realisation broke me. For a moment I thought it was ridiculous to get so upset about a stupid drum, but I knew that if I couldn’t get up and do what was actually a very small thing in amongst a room of people who know me and love me, then bigger challenges that would come later would be impossible. And I didn’t want to miss out!! I didn’t want to be holding back from God, I wanted a piece of everything that He had for me in that moment. So weeping tears of regret and frustration I asked Him what I could do to make this right. Would I be able to try again? Or had I really blown it?
Almost immediately I heard it, that still, small voice in the depth of my soul… yes, of course you can try again My child, but this time you have to confess to the room first… so I went up to the microphone as soon as I could and shared. I felt so stupid, but also really humbled and encouraged. I knew that it was a first step in actually breaking the hold that other people’s opinions of me has over my life. And of course the whole room watched me as I hit that stupid drum for the first time, knowing that I was scared but watching me as I found a new freedom, and celebrating with me in the graciousness of God.
Hallelujah, grace like rain
Is falling down on me again
Hallelujah, all my stains
Are washed away, washed away
posted by Susie at
1:42 AM
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