Broken
I am a woman. And there is a part of me that’s broken.
It’s a really small part. So small that I can hide it away in the deepest place within me. So small that I can forget that it’s there, and that it’s still broken.
But it’s the smallest things that bear the most potent poison… manifest in a single question, the brokenness resonates upwards through the many layers of complexity that comprise my womanhood to subtly taint every aspect of my being. The question is simply this… am I enough?
The core of my very existence is crippled by this one doubt… As it permeates my life, it fractures into an array of variants. Am I enough to be useful – am I needed? Am I enough to be valuable – am I wanted? Am I enough to be enjoyed – am I desired?
I hate neediness – often to the point of contempt when I observe it in others. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. I have been told that the things that frustrate or annoy you in others usually cause that reaction because they are actually a problem within yourself. And if there is one thing I seek, it is to be useful, to be needed. If I am needed there is less chance of me being rejected. In order to understand my role or purpose, I have to validate my presence within any kind of circle by being a useful, contributing member. While on the surface this is a constructive aim to have, the motivation of avoiding rejection leads me to cultivate independence. It is important for others to need me, but for me to need others (particularly if they DON’T need me as much) is a sign of weakness. There’s too much hurt to risk in not being needed.
In striving to be needed all the time, I have struggled with the concept of being wanted. By that I mean wanted for who I am not what I do… To just be, in a friendship. Not to function in any other way but to be me. To be loved. My God of grace has much patience with me, and has been turning my heart round to the idea that just maybe I am enough to be valued, worthy of His love and interest. I haven’t the faintest idea why that may be, except for an inkling that it’s the great mystery of Love. Allowing this Love into my life has begun to seal up some of the fractures caused by this question. I have begun to heal, to be restored. I can now accept love where I don’t understand it.
Of course, to love is to risk rejection, and often to suffer it. So I can only love to the degree I have allowed this Love to re-build the broken parts within me, to strengthen me against the fear of it all coming crashing down, of rejection – the ultimate answer NO to my question.
Still causing me trouble is the last one – am I enough to be desired? Am I beautiful, am I lovable, am I enough to stir a passion? Some say the time has not come yet… you will not get your answer until it does. Yet I still seek it! Waiting for a husband is not the solution, as my hidden brokenness is crying out with a fervour that demands to sated… ignoring it does no good. There have been those that seem to offer an answer, but so far not one with enough integrity that I can lean into and be supported in the full knowledge of acceptance. Yet still I seek it, at times with almost a single-mindedness.
I know where I should get my answer
“The King is enthralled by your beauty…” Psalm 45 v 11
Now the question is…
Do I believe it?
It’s a really small part. So small that I can hide it away in the deepest place within me. So small that I can forget that it’s there, and that it’s still broken.
But it’s the smallest things that bear the most potent poison… manifest in a single question, the brokenness resonates upwards through the many layers of complexity that comprise my womanhood to subtly taint every aspect of my being. The question is simply this… am I enough?
The core of my very existence is crippled by this one doubt… As it permeates my life, it fractures into an array of variants. Am I enough to be useful – am I needed? Am I enough to be valuable – am I wanted? Am I enough to be enjoyed – am I desired?
I hate neediness – often to the point of contempt when I observe it in others. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. I have been told that the things that frustrate or annoy you in others usually cause that reaction because they are actually a problem within yourself. And if there is one thing I seek, it is to be useful, to be needed. If I am needed there is less chance of me being rejected. In order to understand my role or purpose, I have to validate my presence within any kind of circle by being a useful, contributing member. While on the surface this is a constructive aim to have, the motivation of avoiding rejection leads me to cultivate independence. It is important for others to need me, but for me to need others (particularly if they DON’T need me as much) is a sign of weakness. There’s too much hurt to risk in not being needed.
In striving to be needed all the time, I have struggled with the concept of being wanted. By that I mean wanted for who I am not what I do… To just be, in a friendship. Not to function in any other way but to be me. To be loved. My God of grace has much patience with me, and has been turning my heart round to the idea that just maybe I am enough to be valued, worthy of His love and interest. I haven’t the faintest idea why that may be, except for an inkling that it’s the great mystery of Love. Allowing this Love into my life has begun to seal up some of the fractures caused by this question. I have begun to heal, to be restored. I can now accept love where I don’t understand it.
Of course, to love is to risk rejection, and often to suffer it. So I can only love to the degree I have allowed this Love to re-build the broken parts within me, to strengthen me against the fear of it all coming crashing down, of rejection – the ultimate answer NO to my question.
Still causing me trouble is the last one – am I enough to be desired? Am I beautiful, am I lovable, am I enough to stir a passion? Some say the time has not come yet… you will not get your answer until it does. Yet I still seek it! Waiting for a husband is not the solution, as my hidden brokenness is crying out with a fervour that demands to sated… ignoring it does no good. There have been those that seem to offer an answer, but so far not one with enough integrity that I can lean into and be supported in the full knowledge of acceptance. Yet still I seek it, at times with almost a single-mindedness.
I know where I should get my answer
“The King is enthralled by your beauty…” Psalm 45 v 11
Now the question is…
Do I believe it?
posted by Susie at
3:27 AM
1 Comments:
Reading your blog is like looking in my own head sometimes (apart from the bits where you're scampering around the world...that's not so me :p)
From all I've learnt on the subject...if we ultimately believe that God is good & loves us etc then we have to accept that ultimately we are good enough. And if you can see that as an end point, then you know what you're working towards, even if some days its not as easy to see as on others. Yeah?
Love you
x
By
Lulu, at 8:18 AM
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