Team Indo
Outreach is one week and counting!! Crazy. I’m excited, especially after such an awesome prayer week, but also not really sure what we are going to be getting up to. I know we are going to be staying for 7 weeks on Nias, an island off the west coast of Sumatra. We then have a week at the end on Bali before heading back to Australia at the end of May.
So the final preparations are upon us… as are the final payment deadlines. I found out that I am now the only member of the team that hasn’t got the $2000 ground fees. This leaves two options – if I can find $350 for my insurance and the team agree, I can still come and the rest of the team carry me, which will mean a stretched budget and probably missing out on some travelling around towards the end of the trip. Otherwise I can’t go. Mortified by the situation (especially as I wasn’t originally put on the team anyway) I find some comfort in the immediate response that leaving me behind is not an option. But that leaves me in a very uncomfortable position for independent grown up Susie to deal with, firstly not feeling like I can contribute towards the trip but also feeling like I am causing my team to miss out. It’s a very humbling place to be in, and I can see how God is working through it to break my pride and self-sufficiency. I am also having to rely wholly on His spoken word to me that He wants me to go to Indonesia for this trip, as the circumstances are not exactly supporting this view at the moment!!
Feelings of guilt, inadequacy, almost cheating are creeping in… I confess with my mouth that God is sovereign over all situations, that He wouldn’t call me somewhere and not provide for me, that he is more than capable and WANTS to bless me so that that I have more than just enough to get by, in order that I might be generous and bless others. But in my heart the doubts start to whisper – what, has He forgotten you? Maybe you got it wrong… obviously you can’t hear Him as well as you thought you could… maybe He doesn’t even bother to speak to you at all!! The voice of the accuser echoes around my head, speaking words of deceit and distraction in to the situation that will inevitably lead to death – death of a dream, the quenching of the flame of intimacy that is growing in my soul, the crumbling of confidence in my communication with and trust placed in my Father in heaven. And it’s all lies. I know that, so why do I listen??
So the final preparations are upon us… as are the final payment deadlines. I found out that I am now the only member of the team that hasn’t got the $2000 ground fees. This leaves two options – if I can find $350 for my insurance and the team agree, I can still come and the rest of the team carry me, which will mean a stretched budget and probably missing out on some travelling around towards the end of the trip. Otherwise I can’t go. Mortified by the situation (especially as I wasn’t originally put on the team anyway) I find some comfort in the immediate response that leaving me behind is not an option. But that leaves me in a very uncomfortable position for independent grown up Susie to deal with, firstly not feeling like I can contribute towards the trip but also feeling like I am causing my team to miss out. It’s a very humbling place to be in, and I can see how God is working through it to break my pride and self-sufficiency. I am also having to rely wholly on His spoken word to me that He wants me to go to Indonesia for this trip, as the circumstances are not exactly supporting this view at the moment!!
Feelings of guilt, inadequacy, almost cheating are creeping in… I confess with my mouth that God is sovereign over all situations, that He wouldn’t call me somewhere and not provide for me, that he is more than capable and WANTS to bless me so that that I have more than just enough to get by, in order that I might be generous and bless others. But in my heart the doubts start to whisper – what, has He forgotten you? Maybe you got it wrong… obviously you can’t hear Him as well as you thought you could… maybe He doesn’t even bother to speak to you at all!! The voice of the accuser echoes around my head, speaking words of deceit and distraction in to the situation that will inevitably lead to death – death of a dream, the quenching of the flame of intimacy that is growing in my soul, the crumbling of confidence in my communication with and trust placed in my Father in heaven. And it’s all lies. I know that, so why do I listen??
posted by Susie at
3:28 PM
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