Moving On

So its here… time to move on again. I’m feeling a bit mixed. Not quite sure which way it’s going – should be more excited about getting back to Harlesden because it’s always been all about moving there. Should feel better about leaving Pompey behind because there’s never been anything worth staying around for here.

I’ve always prided myself on my honesty – being who I am and everyone knowing that. No masks on this girl!! Sure, it can take me a while to let people in but I’ve never tried to be something I’m not. But then again, I’m realising that who I am is not that straight forward. And as I move from one experience to another, who I am is developing and growing and getting more complicated!! I have had so many different roles in different contexts with different people over the past few years that it’s not really that crazy that I should have a couple different versions of myself. In fact, people have commented on my ability to fit in with all kinds of people, and just a brief poll of my friends shows a considerable variety. I love that!! And am so thankful for it, because each and every one of them adds another amazing dimension to my life.

But I’ve never before felt like I’m living two different lives. I’ve never felt split in this way before… not quite sure if my old friends will get the person I’ve become, or my new friends really understand the full extent of who I am at the core. I like the new confidence I’ve found, the friends I’ve made, the way I’ve lived my life while I’ve been at home… but I’m unsure about how it’s all going to fit when I move back to Harlesden. Because will those people be expecting the Susie from a year ago? How will they deal with the girl she is now? The differences are probably subtle but they are there, even if no one knows exactly what they are. Is there space for them without judgement? How are these friendships going to feel now? How much can I share?

You know sometimes and you just want to curl up in a hole and sleep until the sun comes out again, and things seem a bit easier? Yep, that’s right where I’m at. But I shouldn’t have anything to be worried about… should I?