Twin Day

Today is Twin Day. We had to dress up as twins with someone else. I went with Bree, dressed up mostly to look like her. We looked good. I got compliments all day because I straightened my hair and it looks so different!!

We have an unfortunate guest in our house. A mouse is living in the wall in our kitchen. Gross!! The most upsetting is that Becaa and I woke up this morning at 4 to find it running around in our bedroom, euuuuuuggghhhhhhhhhhhh!! One of the most frustrating things about living in a community house is trying to keep it clean, as there are so many people always messing it up. But our house is particularly bad at keeping the kitchen clean and leaving old plates and food around, so it’s little wonder we got a mouse (I actually think it’s a rat, as it was big and black, but fear for Becaa’s sanity should I suggest this!!)

I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. Ratty in my bedroom is not a good alarm clock.

Team Indo

Outreach is one week and counting!! Crazy. I’m excited, especially after such an awesome prayer week, but also not really sure what we are going to be getting up to. I know we are going to be staying for 7 weeks on Nias, an island off the west coast of Sumatra. We then have a week at the end on Bali before heading back to Australia at the end of May.

So the final preparations are upon us… as are the final payment deadlines. I found out that I am now the only member of the team that hasn’t got the $2000 ground fees. This leaves two options – if I can find $350 for my insurance and the team agree, I can still come and the rest of the team carry me, which will mean a stretched budget and probably missing out on some travelling around towards the end of the trip. Otherwise I can’t go. Mortified by the situation (especially as I wasn’t originally put on the team anyway) I find some comfort in the immediate response that leaving me behind is not an option. But that leaves me in a very uncomfortable position for independent grown up Susie to deal with, firstly not feeling like I can contribute towards the trip but also feeling like I am causing my team to miss out. It’s a very humbling place to be in, and I can see how God is working through it to break my pride and self-sufficiency. I am also having to rely wholly on His spoken word to me that He wants me to go to Indonesia for this trip, as the circumstances are not exactly supporting this view at the moment!!

Feelings of guilt, inadequacy, almost cheating are creeping in… I confess with my mouth that God is sovereign over all situations, that He wouldn’t call me somewhere and not provide for me, that he is more than capable and WANTS to bless me so that that I have more than just enough to get by, in order that I might be generous and bless others. But in my heart the doubts start to whisper – what, has He forgotten you? Maybe you got it wrong… obviously you can’t hear Him as well as you thought you could… maybe He doesn’t even bother to speak to you at all!! The voice of the accuser echoes around my head, speaking words of deceit and distraction in to the situation that will inevitably lead to death – death of a dream, the quenching of the flame of intimacy that is growing in my soul, the crumbling of confidence in my communication with and trust placed in my Father in heaven. And it’s all lies. I know that, so why do I listen??

... and Diamond Dust

Over the week we spent time looking at the gifts of the Spirit, and praying into and for those that we either thought we had or those we desired to have! Across the 30 odd students on the course there is a wide range of experience with this kind of thing. It was an amazing privilege to pray for my roommate and watch her receive the gift of tongues!! And an even bigger surprise to find that I was given an interpretation of a tongue spoken corporately one night, when I have never desired that gift at all. Random, but ok!! Whatever God has for me, bring it on! I don’t want to miss out ;)

I can be a bit sceptical about the more bizarre manifestations of the Holy Spirit, probably because I don’t have much experience of them and tend to be more suspicious of the unknown and untested. But since when is God completely known and testable?! So when they first start talking about diamond dust, my initial reaction is, hmmmm… not sure. But as soon as people started praying for those who didn’t have it to receive it, I figured why not? If it’s not of God then it won’t be a big deal, but if it IS then I don’t want to miss out! A post-prayer inspection of my palms did indeed reveal specks of glitter on my skin where there had been none previously. Apparently it’s a sign of anointing, a gift from God to His church, a manifestation of the presence of the Holy Spirit… I’m not sure what it is but I do believe it is from God and it’s kinda cool – pretty sparkly fingers!! I find a great encouragement from it, especially when I notice it during the day when I might be more distracted with other things going on. I’m not sure we are supposed to have all the answers, and I think that retaining and celebrating some of the mystery that surrounds God is an important thing. For me, at this moment, the diamond dust shows me how I can’t figure God out, how creative He is, and how generous – I only asked once, and I got it. So it helps me with all those other things I have to ask many times for, it helps me remember that God hasn’t forgotten.

Pentecost...

So, as always, God was faithful to His promise. We waited, and the Holy Spirit did indeed come with power. I would consider myself to be of quite a charismatic persuasion, albeit from the Anglican church, but I don't think I have ever had a week with the Holy Spirit quite like this one...


The momentum was building from the beginning. A strong theme of the school has been Freedom, and this was certainly continued through Prayer Week. On Tuesday night we were challenged to face up to our fear of Man... first to admit it and then renounce it. Later on in the week we talked about obedience (i.e. doing everything that God asks you to do, and doing it when He asks you to!) and this was then tested by a challenging time of worship where God asked some of us to do some crazy things to honour Him during that time, and to break this fear of Man. Mine wasn’t such a weirdo request, but it was so hard for me.

As soon as we started, I felt God wanted me to play the djembe, an African drum, with the worship team… now I have really sucky rhythm when it comes to hitting things, and I really didn’t want to have to join in the worship team and start playing an instrument I had never touched before. So I didn’t. I just stood there trying to make excuses for myself. I actually couldn’t shrug it off, I was so sure that it was what God had asked of me in that moment. And I felt AWFUL. So hideous that I couldn’t even step out and do this one little thing. Everyone else was experiencing this incredible freedom in worship and dancing around and calling out crazy things but I was stood in the corner feeling miserable, on the verge of tears because I knew that I was being disobedient. However hard I tried, I couldn’t enter into that spirit of worshipTo make things worse, after a while someone else started playing the drum.

I saw so clearly in that moment that God will raise up someone else to fulfil His purposes if you are not obedient to His call. It’s His plan after all, and it’s a privilege that He chooses to use us not a right… if we choose to not be involved then He will still accomplish His plan, using others. The only one who misses out on blessing because of your disobedience is you!

This realisation broke me. For a moment I thought it was ridiculous to get so upset about a stupid drum, but I knew that if I couldn’t get up and do what was actually a very small thing in amongst a room of people who know me and love me, then bigger challenges that would come later would be impossible. And I didn’t want to miss out!! I didn’t want to be holding back from God, I wanted a piece of everything that He had for me in that moment. So weeping tears of regret and frustration I asked Him what I could do to make this right. Would I be able to try again? Or had I really blown it?

Almost immediately I heard it, that still, small voice in the depth of my soul… yes, of course you can try again My child, but this time you have to confess to the room first… so I went up to the microphone as soon as I could and shared. I felt so stupid, but also really humbled and encouraged. I knew that it was a first step in actually breaking the hold that other people’s opinions of me has over my life. And of course the whole room watched me as I hit that stupid drum for the first time, knowing that I was scared but watching me as I found a new freedom, and celebrating with me in the graciousness of God.

Hallelujah, grace like rain
Is falling down on me again
Hallelujah, all my stains
Are washed away, washed away

Mary Of Bethany

Every time I have done a 24-7 prayer week, it’s been a special time. There is something about pressing in to spend time with God that blesses your life… especially when you are part of a group or community that is setting aside time to do this together. I would encourage anyone who has never experienced it to give it a go!

Our prayer week consisted of corporate prayer and worship times from 8 – 12 each morning (when we would normally have lectures) and then 10-12/1ish every night. In between these times we were divided into groups of 4 to take 2 hour shifts in the prayer room through the day and night. My shift was from 4-6 am every day, which meant I had practically no sleep the whole week!! It was amazing how much strength you got from prayer though - at the start of the week I was falling asleep in my sessions but by the end I was staying up all night to watch the sunrise!!

My first couple of prayer slots were fairly low-key. I was expectant but felt God really impress on me just to wait on Him and spend time with Him, rather than coming into this with a whole heap of preconceptions or even worse a shopping list. Of course there were things on my heart that I was concerned about and needed to present to Him during prayer, but I felt that this week was going to be about more than just what I wanted, and that it was going to be important to lay aside all of that and spend time seeking His face. The next day we had a talk on being like Mary of Bethany... you know the old story about the sisters Jesus visits, Mary and Martha. Martha is busy in the kitchen while Mary sits at Jesus' feet... Martha complains about having to do all the work herself and asks Jesus to tell her sister to help. Jesus' reply however, is this "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10 v 41-42 This spoke to me so much, because it really helped to clarify what I had been chewing over, that God's first request of us is to spend time with Him. That is what He loves above and beyond anything else that we might do or achieve... He desires worshippers rather than worship. I was indeed worried and upset about many things, but I knew that my priority was to spend time with my Father, drawing close to Him in intimacy, and that everything else would follow on from that.

"Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about... you will recieve power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." Acts 1 v 4&8

Random Beach Day

On Saturday I was invited out for the day by a random family from the church YWAM rent office space and lecture rooms from... it had come about because we had been talking about how it's been a bit of a bubble here and I hadn't actually meet that many Aussies while I have been here. So the very generous offer was extended to me to join them and 2 other families for a beach trip to have a genuine Aussie family experience on the Sunshine Coast.

So I was picked up at 8 in the morning and we set off about an hour north to this spectacular beach only accessible by 4 wheel drives. It was reminisent of Fraser Island, with less devil horse flies (this time we used the wonders of insect repellent), and a beautiful clear blue day.

It was quite awkward, I'm not gonna lie. There were a young married couple my age but they had just been through quite a hard time and so were pretty subdued and kept themselves to themselves... next down were 2 teenage girls who DEFINITELY didn't want to be there on a "famiy" day (far too cool!!) and then there were about 6 boys under 12 yrs, who obviously didn't have much to say to me!!

Despite this, I had a really nice day. I was quiet and the adults definitely picked up on this, but it was no reflection on how I felt about the day, I just needed to have some time where I could just sit and be looked after in a different space to my house!! I also really appreciated spending time around families again, and conversing with older adults which is not something we get much opportunity for here! A lovely time of refreshment.

Noosafest

This Friday was FUN!! I think oneof the funnest days so far.

We kicked it off with intercession, which actually was quite intense and a time for looking inwards at what God wanted us to repent of... but what amazing freedom when you realise where you have been going wrong and that in the next moment you understand that God has already forgiven you. Incredible.

After that we headed to a beach called Mudjemba, where the YWAM base from the Gold Coast had come up to cook us a BBQ lunch just to bless us! How sweet. It was a beautiful day, bright blue skies and clear water (at last, yay!!). We chilled out on the beach, had lunch and then went in the waves. It was so much fun swimming through these huge waves, once I got past the whitewash anyway!! I managed to get quite far out but there were a few guys from the DTS out there too, so I always felt quite safe.

After that a few of us piled into a van and headed up north to a place called Noosa. It was big for surfing in the 60's and is still a popular site with good waves. This weekend it was hosting Noosafest, a surf comp/festival which included the Australian premiere of Walking On Water, a surf movie made by Bryan Jennings, an ex-pro who has a vision to impact the surfing community worldwide with the Gospel. There was music and a bit of testimony and then the film, which was really cool. Basically Bryan had been taken to Hawaii when he was a kid, by an older surfer he really looked up to, who had mentored him in surfing and life, sharing his faith with the boy. And this film was documenting Bryan's turn to do this for the next generation. He took 2 young surfers (11/12 yrs) from California to surf with Christian professionals in Peru, France, Australia, South Africa and Indonesia. There were various points when bits of the gospel were shared, but the most powerful was a group of township kids who surfed with them in Mossel Bay, just outside Cape Town, South Africa. They literally had nothing but were sitting on film declaring that God was the one who looked after them, and showing such a spirit of exuberance and love for life, despite their situation. All attributed to the hope they find in Jesus.

Awesome!!

English Rose

Being English is quite a novelty here. I don't think I have been anywhere where my accent has been so imitated... it's quite amusing, particularly as often it sonds nothing like me. But then there are moments when I come out with a particular word or something that does sound very British and it is immediately relayed back to me, accompanied with a grin or some giggles.

The communication barriers between British and American English always fascinates me. They don't understand what loo roll is, they think arse is an awful word and you get a blank look when you ask for the hoover. And they just don't really get the British sense of humour, which can backfire sometimes... just ask Giles!!

In return, things I don't yet understand about Americans... their obsession with peanut butter -bizarre. Country music - enough said. George Bush... not a universal one but have definitely been surprised by some people's defence of their president. Although I have to admit they had some good points about loyalty etc (I'm still glad I don't have to be loyal to the President of the USA).

However all this is really meant in jest... I love all the guys here!! Plus it's really making me appreciate my own culture. And they get their own back singing songs about the war for independance, about how they shot the bloody Brits... don't they Reba?! Hahaha!!

Money Money Money

Last Monday was Giving Day.

The idea is this... none of your money actually belongs to you, it has been entrusted to you by God. We are merely stewards of His great resources, and should look upon financial blessing (of any magnitude) as a way to bless others and further the work of the Kingdom of God.

No one at YWAM is paid a wage, even the guy that founded it. Every single staff member on any base across the world pays their own way and is supported by their church or friends or even random acquaintences that God moves... so you can imagine it's not that unusual for a YWAMer to not have any money! I decided before I came here that I needed to use this trip to learn about trusting God for finances, and so I earnt as much as I could in the job God gave me while I was in London, and stuck to my conviction that for this season I wouldn't appeal for support - I wanted to be sure that my focus remained on God providing, rather than specific people I had asked. Due to a hiccup with a tax rebate form, I found myself strapped for cash rather earlier than I had anticipated, hence my current situation of not having enough money to go on my outreach phase. However, I am not the only one in this predicament...

So the whole base was together after Monday morning worship, and we put up different peoples financial needs on a white board. There were some pretty huge figures up there - one girl needed $8000 (about £4000). Having done this, we all spent some time praying into what God was asking us as individuals to give and who to bless it with. Pledges were written down and given to Rob, the base director, and he marked down the adjusted "need" figures next to names on the board. I felt challenged to give all my money away... that was scary. I don't think I thought about it too much... and I certainly felt a little sick afterwards. But we had been singing about surrendering everything to Jesus, and how God is more than enough for us, and I felt God asking me to show Him this was true by giving to others all that I counted "mine". I got pledged it all back plus $100, which was pretty cool. There was an overall total of $21000 released in that room (full of "unemployed" YWAMers) in 45 minutes... what a testimony to the power and generosity of God!!

BUT I still needed some $500 to pay for my airfares... the due date was pushed back a bit until last Wed but Tues eve I was still short. This was such a big thing for me, money has always been the hardest aspect for me to trust God with. But at this point I had truely come to the end of everything I could do for the situation except sit and trust God that He would come through. So I woke up on Wed and went to lectures. No money miraculously in my bank account. Not that I could get it out anyway, as my card had been blocked. It was clear that the cash needed to come from Australia. After lectures we had small group and we chatted about our experience on Giving Day, and everyone prayed for me cos I was the only one still needing funds. Later that evening one of my housemates told me she still had some money from her business that she wanted to give away and could make up the difference for my ticket. Just like that! It was wierd, such an amazing answer to prayer and show of love yet it felt kinda normal... like, thanks, that's really cool. I felt God was saying "Well, what did you expect, that I would forget about you?"

Such a relief to know that was sorted... but I still need to find my ground fees and they are $2000 (£1000ish), so the waiting is not over!! I am learning so much by putting myself in this position though I know it sounds rather foolish. Who goes to Australia without enough money??! Well, I guess I do, because I want to be able to go where ever my God calls me without any hesitation, including worrying about finances.

I guess all that's left is to wait for the next miracle...